The Intent Behind Feedback
When it comes to feedback, why you're sharing matters far more than what you say.
Most people nodded when he said it.
“We give feedback because it helps us reach goals. It wouldn’t be a good use of time if not, right?”
The comment came from a director during a session on performance feedback with around 30 managers and senior leaders. As his logic goes, feedback makes people more productive and that production benefits the organization. Classic win-win.
It didn’t surprise me that someone felt that way. It surprised me that, based on the reaction, it was a widely shared sentiment.
Initially, I chalked it up to philosophical differences. They weren’t advocating against feedback; they just held a different reason for doing it. Neither side was necessarily right or wrong.
It still sort of bothered me, though. I started paying more attention to feedback across the organization — and replaying times that people had shared with me. And I realized why it was eating at me: feedback that’s given for any reason other than genuine care is less effective.
Feedback is about the recipient. What you say matters (down to the specific words), but so do the tone you use, the time and place you deliver, and the relationship between the two of you. If I don’t trust that you have my best interest at heart, the message is unlikely to have the desired impact.
Research consistently shows that people don’t evaluate messages in isolation. What we hear is heavily influenced by what we believe about the person speaking. When a mentor criticizes you, you may not like it, but you listen and consider what they have to say. You don’t give the same grace to a boss you know only cares about quarterly results, even if the words are exactly the same.
And missed intent isn’t the worst outcome. Feedback doesn’t always help. We sometimes talk about it as if there’s only upside, but even well meaning feedback can create confusion, damage confidence, strain relationships, or make people less likely to take risks or be forthcoming in the future. The chances of a damaging result are much higher if there’s an ulterior motive.
I’ve received important feedback from people that didn’t care about me. But the value always came later because their intent obscured the message. I usually dismissed what they said. It felt like a personal attack or a change that would be better for them than me. I only took something away after coming to a similar realization on my own or using their words as motivation to prove them wrong.
That’s not what happens when someone cares. You can tell the difference immediately. Feedback doesn’t feel transactional.
To be clear, I’m not saying you can only give feedback if you have a long standing relationship with someone. Trust takes time, and you shouldn’t wait until you’re at that point to share. But if you want the best chance at delivering something effective, feedback needs to come from a place of care.
We often think of caring as soft or uncool.1 With feedback, it means the opposite. When you genuinely care, you have difficult conversations and say what’s needed rather than what’s preferred. You’re putting another person ahead of your own comfort.
And it’s amazing what a difference that intent makes.
The targets and frequency change. Feedback for achievement typically only goes to people who work for you at defined intervals. When you care, you share insights with peers, superiors, friends, and former colleagues when it’s most relevant and actionable.
And often, individuals and teams perform better. Consistent feedback is an excellent way to align expectations, improve performance, and accomplish goals. So long as that’s not the underlying intent.
I think that’s why the comment bothered me so much. It implies that feedback is an inconvenient requirement to achieve results. You can — and should — share feedback because you care and want to invest in another person regardless of the impact on you. And doing so is always a good use of time.
That’s how it always felt for me when I was growing up and going through school. I hope that’s not true for kids in this generation.
Very well said.